Looking For A Last Minute Christmas Present???

… then how about this little beauty, the very latest in smart ‘phones  from Backwatersman Inc.?

What’s that you say?  That doesn’t look very smart – it looks like a manky old Nokia that you’ve been using for so long that all the letters and numbers have rubbed off?  Well that’s just the point.  All the best inventions – electricity, crisps, even nuclear weapons were arrived at by accident – and though this ‘phone isn’t smart, you have to be smart to use it!   

Just think of the possibilities!

Parents – worried that your children are lacking basic literacy and numeracy skills?  Don’t know their ABC?  Can’t count to ten?  Don’t waste money on expensive private education – just give them this smart ‘phone and they’ll soon pick it up!

Kids – Want to send your Headmistress a text calling her a Skanky Old Sket, but scared you’ll get into trouble?  Well, now you can!  Just say you meant to send it to your Mum and blame it all on the smart ‘phone

Oldies – Worried you’re losing your marbles?  Short-term memory shot to pieces?  Just twenty minutes a day on this ‘smart phone – perhaps trying to make a Doctor’s appointment – and you’ll find you have the memory of a five year old!

This smart ‘phone is currently available in a limited edition of one.  Just post £199.99 through my letter box and it can be yours in time for Christmas!   

(Backwatersman Inc. can accept no liability for any legal action, serious injuries  or other unpleasantness that may result from use of this ‘phone.  Other smart ‘phones are available.)

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2 thoughts on “Looking For A Last Minute Christmas Present???

  1. Please tell me that’s not your real ‘phone. That is well shaming bro.

    However, in your defence, you are the only person I know who still insists on using the apostrophe before the word ”phone’ to remind us that it is an abbreviation, and I applaud you.

    And Virgin? Who would want to send a text that doesn’t go all the way??
    Ha Ha! My name’s the Wartime Housewife etc etc

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