(A sneak preview of the next episode of ‘KP Genius – the Soap Opera’.)
The scene: a dressing room in India. (The sound of sitars can be heard outside the window.)
Standing on an upturned crate of MaxiMuscle, Captain Cook is addressing his team. A DVD of Olivier’s Henry V is visible, sticking out of his back pocket. A grim-faced Andy Flower is seen flicking through a copy of Nelson Mandela’s ‘Truth and Reconciliation for Beginners‘. From the showers can be heard the whistling of various patriotic songs (‘In an English country garden’, ‘Rule Britannia’, ‘Die Stem’, ‘I wanna be adored‘ etc.),
Cook – ‘Look guys, maybe one or two things haven’t quite been going our way over the last few games. Maybe we’ve been a little bit disappointing in one or two areas. Maybe we’ve let ourselves down a little bit when things haven’t been happening for us out in the middle. I’ve had to look myself in the mirror and ask myself one or two hard questions and I guess I’d have to hold my hand up too. But it’s time to draw a line under it and take the positives away going forward. We know it’s coming out well in the nets, and we’ve just got to work out how to carry that form on out in the middle. But there’s a great spirit in this dressing room …’
The door to the showers flies open. From a cloud of fragrant steam emerges the magnificent figure of KP, his torso glistening with Eau de Genius shower gel (by Paco Rabanne), a Union Jack towel around his waist and a plaster on his bicep. He stops, strikes a heroic pose, and looks around at his assembled comrades.
KP (tears forming in his eyes) – ‘Aw, Guys, Guys. Heard ya missed me – well I’m back!. Hey y’know, I’m feeling so much love in this room for me right now.’
He looks slowly around the room, staring particularly hard at Stuart Broad, who looks at the floor, ruffles his hair and fiddles with his shoelaces.
KP (a note of menace entering his voice) ‘Guys, I said I’M FEELING SO MUCH LOVE IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW.’
Flower (grimly) ‘We love you too, KP. Don’t we guys?’
All (ish) ‘We love you too KP’
Swanny (who has a sock stuffed in his mouth) – ‘Fnnrggh’
Bresilad (sotto voce) – ‘Ferfooksake’
Flower (looking menacingly at Stuart Broad) ‘Broady?’
Broady (in silly sing song voice) – ‘We love you too, KP’ (the camera reveals that he has his fingers crossed behind his back).
KP (suddenly emotional again) – ‘Aww, look. I know you guys treated me like shit, but seeing as how you’re so sorry and you’re such a shit team without me I’m prepared to forgive and forget. And you know why? Because I love playing for England so bloody much. And you know what I’ve done to prove it?’
He looks around at a sea of blank faces. Dramatically, he rips the plaster from his bicep and points to his recently amended tattoo.
KP – ‘Look at that, fellas – FOUR lions! That’s one more than three!’
Cook smiles wanly, Flower looks aghast, Broad and Anderson try to stifle their sniggers.
KP (bursting into tears) – ‘Aw look, just show me a little love, fellas. It’s not easy being me you know …’
At this point, the door to the dressing room opens and a ‘diminutive’, bleary-eyed, tousle-headed figure emerges, wearing an England Lions shirt.
James Taylor (for it is he) – ‘Any of those chapatis left, Chaps? I’m starving.’
At this KP’s mood darkens instantly, his eyes narrowing to slits.
KP – ‘What’s this then, Fellas? You bought me a hobbit to welcome me back?’
Taylor sidles nervously around the room with his back to the wall and tries to stuff a handful of chapatis under his shirt.
KP – ‘Or maybe it’s a dwarf? Which one are you fella – Dopy or Useless? Cos you’re sure as hell not Runny are you?
Taylor makes a dash for it. As he scuttles off, KP aims a huge kick at his departing backside.
KP (more menacing than ever) – ‘Hey fellas I MADE A JOKE. I said ‘You’re not Runny, are you? I don’t see anyone laughing.’
Slowly Broad and Anderson begin to nudge each other, point and giggle. Bresnan grinds his teeth and rolls his fist up into a ball. Flower glares at KP and holds his head in his hands.
Flower – ‘Whit the hill’s thit KP?’
KP looks over his shoulder, sheepishly. The effort of kicking Taylor has dislodged his towel. The camera zooms in on his left buttock to reveal another new tattoo … A PROTEA!!!!
KP (bursting into tears again) – ‘Aw, sometimes it’s really difficult being me …’
The syndrums start up, as the credits roll …
Disclaimer – no member of the England team) has contributed to this parody in any way, which is entirely my own work, and is in no way intended to cause distress or embarrassment to Kevin Pietersen, any of his family or his agent.
2 thoughts on “Truth And Reconciliation”
A work of genius – sir, I salute you! 🙂
PS Who tipped you off?
Thanks, Pam. I’m glad you liked it. As for my sources – I can’t even hint at them, in case I’m forcibly removed from the internet by KP’s goon squad.